A Guide to Strengthening Parent-Child Connection After School
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It’s been a long day. You’ve been working for hours, you miss your family from whom you’ve been apart from the entire day. Your children are just starting to trickle in from school. You eagerly move towards the door, ready with a million questions about their day and plans to spend the evening together! Pause– you’ve been here before. In the past when you’ve jumped into action the second they arrive, you’ve been met with apathetic (maybe even grumpy) responses like “School was fine,” before watching them scamper off towards their rooms. You may feel rejected in these moments, and that’s valid. That said, it’s important to remember that after a long day of school, our children may be tired, stressed, or simply in need of some downtime.
Connecting with our children after school is an essential part of fostering a strong, healthy relationship. To build meaningful connections without overwhelming them, it's important to strike a balance between bonding and respecting their need for relaxation. Let’s dive into a few best practices for connecting with your kids effectively after school.
Avoid Overburdening with Questions
It's important to give children time to decompress after a long day at school. Don’t worry! You can still touch base with them about the details of their day, just not all at once, and not first thing as they walk in the door. Consider allowing them to settle in at their own pace. Once they’ve had a few moments to transition, consider starting with open-ended questions such as "What was the best part of your day?" or "What was something that made you laugh today?" Sometimes statements such as, "I know you had a big math test today, and I was thinking about you!" can allow for connection without the pressure for a response from your child. This approach promotes positive conversation without putting pressure on your child to provide in-depth answers.
Prioritize Downtime
Taking breaks throughout the day is essential for a child’s mental and emotional health (especially after a long stint of social interaction and mental gymnastics in school). Just like us adults, kids require moments of rest and leisure to rejuvenate. Encourage your child to participate in activities they love or that are restorative for them. Pro-tip: Consider setting up a designated recharging station where they are able to comfortably relax, read, make, art, or just be idle for a bit. Allotting them space and downtime enables them to reflect on their day after hours of constant stimulation.
Understand "Restraint Collapse”
Children who have been practicing self-control throughout the day may experience what we call “restraint collapse” once they have left their previous environment. In this scenario, a child may release their pent-up emotions and energy once they are comfortable and secure in their surroundings (i.e., at home). This release of energy can often result in tantrums, meltdowns, and other outbursts of emotion or action.
Keep in mind that these outbursts imply a deep level of trust - in you. These outbursts mean that after holding every worry, anxious thought, and feeling of anger or frustration all day, your child feels enough at ease with you to let it all out. Even when we know where it's coming from, this type of behavior can be overwhelming to handle. Take a deep breath, exhale, and try to move forward with empathy and provide a listening ear. It's up to you to validate that trust they’ve shown you in a calming, comforting space.
Create After-School Structure and Routines
Having a structured after-school routine can work wonders when it comes to ensuring that downtime, homework, and family bonding are all prioritized. Be sure to provide adequate time in the schedule for each priority. We recommend finding a routine that meets the needs of your individual child, keeping in mind that different children (even in the same household!) may need different things. Try sitting down with your children and creating a schedule together. Some children may prefer to knock out homework immediately after walking in the door, while another may prefer rest time first. Allowing children to have a say in their after-school routine can promote feelings of autonomy and self-reliance, and best of all, it helps your child feel validated and listened to.
Participate in Active Listening
When connecting with your kids, it is critical that you practice active listening. Best practices would include putting your phone away, turning off the television, shutting the laptop- whatever allows you to give your child your undivided attention. When your child talks about their day or shares their thoughts, be fully present in the conversation. This not only helps you understand their feelings and experiences but also communicates that you value what they have to say. Children will likely mirror this behavior, making them better listeners and more effective communicators in the process. Never underestimate the value of "non-demand time" in a family: time spent together where there are no demands or requirements placed and the goal is just to "be" with each other.
Practice Praise
Alongside active listening, be sure to encourage your child by praising their efforts and achievements. This positive reinforcement helps boost their self-esteem and motivates them to continue working hard. It also helps to enhance your communication, build trust, and foster the positive interactions we’re aiming for. The more specific your praise, the better.
It’s important to create a healthy balance between restorative time and family bonding after school and other activities. The most important thing is that your children feel loved and cared for. Building these connections will be the foundation of a happier, healthier family unit.
If you are struggling to connect with your children or other family members, we can help. Reach out for a consultation by visiting: https://lilactherapycenter.org/contact
